Triangle Series
by everworld2662
Summary: Composed of Over Martinis, Off I Go, and Shut Up, You. Meant to be funny. HarryxDraco. Involving Drunk!Girly! Lucius. Enjoy?
1. Over Martinis

Over Martinis

A/N: Over several martinis, Lucius sits his son down to ask the all-important question that's been badgering him lately: 'Son. Are you gay?'. Hilarity ensues.

Warning: Disturbing. Manical. Written to the Pink Panther theme tune.

"Draco, sit down. We need to talk." Lucius waved a hand.

Draco slowly made his way over to the luxurious sofa that was sitting comfortably in front of the fire.

Draco looked nervously at his father, than smiled a bit. "Dobby! A martini. NOW!" He looked at Lucius. "Dad, you want a martini?"

Lucius shook his head. He looked a bit ill. "No, no, let's just get this over with."

Draco leapt to his feet, glaring suspiciously at Lucius. "Dad, for the fifth time, I am _not _joining Voldemort."

"DRACO!" Lucius yelled. "Sit down, for Salazar's sake and hold your tongue till you at least know what this is about." Lucius ran a hand through his hair in distress. "I am not a very patient man…"

Draco sat down again hesitantly and grabbed his martini from Dobby. He turned to look at the elf. "You can go now, Dobby." He said very pointedly. Dobby squeaked and ran out of the room, shutting the door.

The fire was crackling pleasantly, the martini was great, and Draco was just sinking comfortably into the sofa and settling down for a short period of contentment when Lucius started to speak. Draco couldn't help raising an irritated eyebrow in his father's direction.

"Now…Draco…I have a question to ask you. I want you to answer me honestly, please." Lucius bit his nails a bit then coughed. "You are reaching _that sort _of age so I can be certain that…there will be no further, ahem, developments. I believe so, anyhow."

Draco was staring at his father with terrified anticipation. "What's this about?"

"Draco, son…" Lucius laid a hand on his son's knee. Draco jumped. "Are…are you…"

Draco gulped down the rest of his martini and tossed it to the ground. The glass smashed, but it was of no import. It was only specially imported French crystal. Pittance.

"Dad, _spit it out_."

"Draco…" Lucius said carefully. "Darling." Draco choked on his own spit.

"Are you…well…are you gay?"

"WHAT?" Draco yelled. He jumped away from his father. "WHAT?" He yelled again, in shock.

"Well?" Asked Lucius eagerly.

"NO!" Draco yelled. "NO I AM NOT. I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT. I AM 100 % STRAIGHT THANK YOU. How DARE you accuse me of being…that way inclined!"

"Good." Lucius said in a relieved voice. "I was just checking."

"WELL, NO IS THE ANSWER DAD!" Draco ranted on. "FOR SALAZAR'S SAKE. WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? I AM NOT GAY!"

Lucius looked slightly perturbed. "Well, I know that son. I know you'd never lie to me…"

Draco went on. "I DO NOT LIKE GUYS. NO I DO NOT. I TELL YOU FATHER, NO IS THE ANSWER!"

The door banged open and Dobby came running in. "Another Martini for the young master!" He yelled over the noise Draco was making and lurched it in Draco's direction. He drank it in one go and handed it back, still yelling. Dobby looked at Draco, then at Lucius.

"Can I help sir?" He asked Lucius.

Lucius glowered. "No you cannot help sir, Dobby."

Dobby steepled his fingers sheepishly. "I will be…going then Master."

Lucius glowered even more. "You do that Dobby."

Dobby ran out with the martini glass, muttering something about someone being off his rocker as he went.

"Draco, sit down." Lucius yelled. "DRACO, SIT DOWN!"

Draco stopped mid-rant and sat down, staring at his father.

"There," panted Lucius. "That seemed to have some effect. I'm too old for this…" He shook his head a bit. "Now answer me this in a calm and sensible manner. Are you or are you not gay?"

"I'm not!" Barked Draco.

"You're not lying to me, are you Draco?" Lucius said, very dangerously.

"UH…no…" lied Draco.

"I think you _are_," Lucius said very carefully and quietly. "I think you are because you are insisting so vehemently that you aren't."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Draco shrieked.

"SHUT UP SON OF MINE! ADMIT IT! Or incur my wrath!"

"Fine!" Draco screamed. "Fine! I admit it! I admit it!"

Lucius jaw dropped. It took him a while to close it. He cleared his throat.

"You…you are gay?"

Draco took a deep breath and burst into tears of frustration. "AHRG!" He yelled. "YES!"

Lucius closed his eyes. Draco smashed things.

"You…are?" Lucius said again.

Draco smiled suddenly. "Nah," he said teasingly. "I was just kidding around."

Lucius' eyes widened. "You were?" Draco nodded. "Oh…you take after me with your mischievous tricks!" He began to guffaw with relief. "You're not gay!"

"Nah," Draco said. "I'm bi!"

"WHAT?" Lucius yelled.

Draco began to laugh hysterically. "And guess what, dad? I'm in love with _Harry Potter_."

Lucius choked on his own spit. "WHAT?" He yelled again.

Draco didn't say anything this time. He sat down on the couch with his silent, stunned father. He asked for a martini. Then he turned to Lucius.

He said, "Dad. Tell me. How can I get him to ask me out?"

****

END AS YOU WILL

A/N: HAHAAHA! That was hysterical to write. I love that image of Lucius. Not evil…but absolutely hilarious. Well, please review! It would make my day!

Ever(1)


	2. Off I Go

Off I Go

A/N: Couldn't help myself. This is a follow up to 'Over Martinis'. Lucius tries to persuade his son to approach Harry Potter.

Warning: Disturbing. Manical. Written to the Sleep by _Garbage_.

"Alright, Draco," Lucius whispered to his son. "There he is."

"Dad." Draco said in a dead pan voice. "I'm not doing this."

"Yes you are! Or else!" Lucius yelled. Everyone in the Three Broomsticks stared at him.

"Did Narcissa throw some of you dark arts artefacts out the window again last night, Dad?" Draco asked, sighing slightly.

"Yes, actually, Draco she did," Lucius said with gritted teeth.

"And did she tell you that the only way to get through to anyone-and here, Dad, she meant you, not me-was by threatening them?" Draco asked patiently.

"She did," Lucius said slowly.

"And of course you have no idea that by threatening them she means threatening you with walking out?"

"IS THAT WHAT SHE MEANT?" Lucius shrieked. Draco put a hand over his father's mouth.

"Father, be quiet." Draco said snootily and removed his hand.

"Why are you calling me father?" Lucius asked.

"Why do you always call me son?" Draco shot back.

"Why are you actually being witty and cunning and snappy?" Lucius asked.

Draco sighed and hissed very quietly, "Because, Dad, that's what I do. I am the bad boy of Hogwarts. I will not have you tarnishing my reputation, Father!" He raised his voice again.

"Let's get some drinks," Lucius suggested, looking strangely at his son.

Lucius went to go get them and Draco bagged a free table. In fact, had been occupied. But now it wasn't. So Draco sat down and drummed his fingers on the table and tried not to oggle at Harry Potter.

Finally, Lucius came back holding four Butterbeers.

"You can manage two, can't you son?" Draco rolled his eyes.

After three Butterbeers, Lucius leaned forward and whispered in his son's ear in a low, confidential tone.

"You know, Draco, since you came out I think we've grown a lot closer as father and son."

Draco raised an eyebrow and forced a smile.

Lucius drew back and giggled a bit. Then he frowned.

"Draco, what are we doing sitting here? I should be sitting on my own and you should be sitting with Harry Potter!"

Draco looked about wildly. "Dad, d'you want another Butterbeer?" He pushed it toward his father.

Lucius looked at it. "Oh, no!" He yelled raucously. "You can't tempt me with more alcohol!" His eyes narrowed. "I'll have that when you've asked young Harry out."

"_Dad_!" Draco hissed. "Keep your voice down. I swear, you're _high _or something."

"On what?" Lucius snorted. "Life?" Even Draco had to smile at that.

But his smile disappeared when Lucius leant towards him on the table and continued speaking in that low, confidential tone.

"Now, just because Daddy's tried to kill him, doesn't mean you have to, too."

Draco scowled.

"That means be _nice _to him Draco. I know you. You've been awful to the poor kid. I have an excuse. You don't." Lucius smiled suddenly. "Now listen up, Draco. This is what you're going to do. You're going to sidle up there, and pretend to be ordering a drink."

"But that means I'll actually have to get one." Draco complained. "That means spending money." His father was so cheap Draco was sure it would work.

Unfortunately, his father was sloshed so very much unlike himself on that day.

"Look, Draco!" His father hissed. "Do you like him or not?"

"Yes!" Squeaked Draco.

"I think he's worth a drink then, don't you?"

"Fine!" Squeaked Draco again. "Fine." He sighed. "And then?"

"Then you look over and see him. You meet his eyes and smile a bit. Then you go up to him."

"He's with Granger and Weasley!" Draco protested.

"You mean with Hermione and Ron, Draco." Lucius said quietly.

"Yes, yes!" Draco stressed. "Hermione and Ron. Even _'Mione _if you like, father!"

"Hey!" Lucius said, offended. "I should know, I got the girl!"

"That's right, Father," Draco repeated wearily. "You got the girl."

"Good!" Lucius enthused. "So you go up to him, and you say, 'Hi, Harry. Can I talk to you for a moment?'"

"And he says no…and they all laugh at me," Draco finished bitterly.

"_No_," Lucius interrupted. "He looks suspicious, but he's a decent person. He gets up and, squinting at you, goes with you."

Lucius grinned. "Trust me, Draco."

"And then what?" Draco asked, his voice trembling slightly.

"Then you confess your undying love for him, of course!" Lucius yelled.

Draco swallowed. "Of course."

"Right…off you go son."

Draco closed his eyes. "Off I go." He repeated morbidly. "Right." He picked up his Butterbeer, drowned it in one go, and got up unsteadily, trying not to cry.

He looked at Harry Potter, laughing at the counter at a joke Grang-Hermione and Ron had just told. He took a deep breath.

"Off I go."

****

END AS YOU WILL - TILL I CAN BE ARSED TO WRITE THE SEQUEL, THAT IS!

****

A/N: Muahaha! I love writing this! I'm addicted! Once again, please R&R. Sequel coming up. I love these things too much.

Ever(1)


	3. Shut Up, You

Shut Up, You

****

A/N: Also couldn't help myself. Follow up to 'Off I go'. Last in the Triangle series, as I have decided to name them. Draco finally confronts Harry…and Lucius tries to help.

Warning: Disturbing. Manical. Written to Till The Day by _Garbage_.

__

He looked at Harry Potter, laughing at the counter at a joke Grang-Hermione and Ron had just told. He took a deep breath.

"Off I go."

Draco walked unsteadily over to the counter.

"One Butterbeer, please," he croaked.

"Wot?" Spat the barman.

"ONE BUTTERBEER, PLEASE!"

"Right you are, sir, no need to yell."

As the barman went to fix him one, Draco was vaguely aware of two things: a) everyone was looking at him, including dreamboy, and b) Lucius was hitting himself over the head with an empty Butterbeer mug.

Draco gave a crooked, pathetic smile and tried to look casually over in Harry's direction. Harry was staring at him. He tried to smile again.

"Hi, Harry."

The entire pub fell quiet, or so it seemed to Draco. Harry opened his mouth, resembling, quite accurately, a goldfish. But a very _cute _goldfish.

"What the fuck's wrong with you, Malfoy?" He heard Gran-Hermione inquire.

"Just being friendly…" Draco tried to say coolly.

Unfortunately, he failed, because Lucius came slamming into him in an effort to get to Granger. From his position on the floor, Draco could dimly see his father trying to strangle Hermione, whilst shrieking, "_No one _insults my son-or any Malfoy!"

"Hermione!" Ron yelled, and tried to beat Lucius over the head with his mug. It smashed.

Slowly, Draco got to his feet, wobbling a bit. Harry was sitting down, torn between Hermione and Ron, and intense curiosity about Draco.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" Hostility was etched all over his features.

Gasping, Draco collapsed onto a chair. "Will you hear me out?" He rasped.

"If you call your…father off." Harry said coldly, a hint of disdain in his voice.

Draco squeezed his eyes shut. _Oh curses, curses, curses to love!_

"Dad." He said hoarsely. "DAD." Lucius did not appear to hear. Ron had taken off his shoe and was using at as a club. Hermione was strangling Lucius now, who was tugging at her hair. Draco couldn't help grinning.

"DAD!" He yelled. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SIT DOWN AND STOP MAKING SUCH A FOOL OF YOURSELF!"

This seemed to have effect.

Lucius paused and twisted round in Hermione's grasp. "Wh-what? But…I…" Lucius looked so pathetic, Draco sighed.

He was aware that he had accumulated an audience, so he turned around and smiled benevolently.

"I do not know this man," he assured them.

"'Dad'?" Harry asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, well-" Draco turned to glare at Harry. The latter smirked. "He's my adoptive father. No relation whatsoever."

"Wha-Draco!" Lucius blubbered.

"Shut. Up." Draco hissed. Lucius shut his mouth. Draco turned back, apologetically to Harry.

"I am…very sorry about that." Draco coughed slightly.

Harry went slightly pinkish. "S'okay." He said coldly. "So what's this all about?"

Draco's heart nearly stopped. Yes, it appeared he had nearly forgotten what he had come over here for. A blush spread over his cheeks.

"The truth is…Harry…I never hated you. And I certainly don't now." Draco hung his head slightly. "In fact…I….I love you."

"You-what-I?" Harry stuttered. Draco went an ever-brighter red and started to get up. So did Harry, calling out, "Wait!".

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, wink wink, they both went skidding into a spill of Butterbeer and were hurled to the ground.

Suddenly, Lucius, who was still struggling with Hermione (albeit silently) grabbed a mug of Butterbeer from Seamus Finnigan ("Hey! Cheap, lying swine…", which really makes you wonder about Seamus Finnigan's sexual orientation) and in an effort to smash Hermione's head in ("AHHHH!", which really makes you wonder about Lucius and Hermione), the Butterbeer went flying and landed, with a defining crack on Draco's head.

He slumped into momentary unconsciousness.

Butterbeer rained down on them from every side, Draco opened his eyes and swore due to the fact that: a) he was sticky b) he had Butterbeer in his eyes c) he had just confessed to loving Harry and d) he was lying in Harry's arms.

Harry grinned rather big. "Shut up, you," he said fondly, then bent over a bit and kissed Draco full on the mouth.

Harry and Draco pulled apart grinning from ear to ear. They were covered in sticky goo, lying half on top of each other, surrounded by a group of shocked people, and a very angry barman, but they couldn't stop grinning.

"That was…interesting." Draco said, his voice shaking slightly.

Harry grinned. "You are _so _unromantic."

A bottle obscured their view, and they were both knocked unconscious by a furious barman.

But it didn't matter. Because they would always have each other.

How touching!

****

END

A/N: Oh…holy hell. Maybe I actually can write a bit after all. I am wondering off to cry a bit. Please excuse me.

Ever(1)


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